It’s almost Christmas! Oh fuck! Oh shit! Oh… whatever.
Do you see what we’ve done here? We've gone and made a list of Christmas gifts that are both terrible and great ideas. We're getting all seasonal up in here. Whatever you actually want to get for Christmas.. it’s not going to be as good as anything on our list.
You might as well close your eyes for the rest of the day cos you’re not going to see anything better. Enjoy our Idiot’s Guide To Epic Christmas Gifts 2017 edition.
The Book of Mormon Missionary Positions
They say the sign of a good gift for a person you probably don’t even like is something that’s insanely niche. And as far as niche goes, Mormon Missionary Positions are a pretty rare topic. That’s why this little SFW (believe it or not) number will do just the trick this Christmas. “Inspired by Mitt Romney’s run for the US Presidency, Portland-based photographer Neil Dacosta satirized the Mormons’ politicized stance on same-sex relations by coming up with the book,” according to Dangerous Minds. It’s great.
The Netflix & Chill Candle
So, you invite your dream girl over, throw on a movie, but you not sure if she’s picking up the vibe. Then she’s all like, “Damn!? What’s that delicious smell? and you just stare at the candle, nod and point, then wink at her. Game over. Available at Flick Candles.
An Al Paca
Can you imagine rocking up to your suburban parent’s house, shuffling them outside, then going “SURPRISE! I GOT YOU AN AL PACA!” I would sever my own arm brothers head to see this play out in real life. What a stupid/brilliant/cruel/saliva slinging gift.
Santas Not Real Sweatshirt
Give this to people with young children (at a family gathering) then berate them all day about wearing it. Drink more egg nog. Get more aggressive. Ask why they don’t like your gift. Persist. Eventually win. Watch the children cry. That’s what Christmas is about.
A Christmas Story Village
The Christmas Story Village collection shrinks snapshots of the highs and lows of Ralphie Parker and his family's life so that this holiday season, you can bring them a little closer to your own. From Ralphie's bunny suit to his visit with Santa at Higbee's, the decked out Parker home to The Old Man's prized leg lamp, the icons of small-town Indiana are ready to take their place along your mantel.
A Christmas Story Village pieces are handpainted and handcrafted. From resin, so they're probably a little less fra-gee-lay than a leg lamp. And most likely not made in Italy.
Additional miniatures in the collection include Ralphie's poor ol' friend Flick's lick of the flagpole, The Parker family car loaded up with the Christmas tree, Cleveland Elementary School, the Joke Shop, and Cousin Eddie emptying out the shitter in the front yard.
Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak
Dude. Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak will make your whole body smell like your fingers do after you eat a French Dip. Talk about a gift for a man sent straight from the Baby Jesus. Well, either the Baby Jesus or Jimmy John's.
Really (and sadly) Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak is so in name only. Like Prank Pack gift boxes, the outside of the bath soak bag is a ruse. A piece of trickery meant, first, to weird out the gift's recipient, and then to make them yuk, yuk, yuk, and want to regift it for more jollies to someone else.
Behind the Roast Beef Sandwich claim lies 23 ounces of therapeutic Mediterranean sea salts that actually smell like brown sugar and fig. They are brown like roast beef though, so when you dump them in the bath you can still visualize yourself swimming in a tub of au jus.
Raclette Cheese Melting Machine
"Alexa, add raclette cheese to the list of tasty foods that are going to make me distastefully fat this season." Would you like me to add the Nutri-Chef cheese melting machine to your cart?
This raclette cheese melter's hovering heating element radiates down onto wedges or wheels secured beneath it to produce bubbly-hot layers of cheese you can scrape right off the top. The effect isn't just a delicious one for your breads, meats, vegetables, and belly, but also a pretty spectacular one for your holiday parties and dinner buffets.
Though Swiss raclette is traditional, the machine will melt any hard cheese you can nestle into the cradle and impale on the spikes under its electric burner. Once in place, Nutri-Chef says you'll see your cheese melt fast and evenly, at which point you can hold your food up to it and scrape the layers off, or pick up the wheel and scrape the cheese off over your food and Packers fan friends' heads remotely.
Beardaments - Beard Ornaments
If Santa approved of beard ornaments I think he would have invented Beardaments - or at least worn some - himself. Unless he's just leaving Beardaments to those they can really benefit. To all the lumberjacks and hipsters out there who need a little Santa Claus charisma. A little something extra to help them stand out around the ladies, amongst their families filled with Golden Boy older brothers, and amidst the sea of ugly Christmas sweaters at holiday parties. Simply having a big, bushy Santa beard just isn't enough anymore.
Beardaments attach to beards of most length, plus mustaches, hair, and pet fur, with built-in mini clips that are hopefully easier to manage than the mangled nest of wire hooks my fiancee dumped on our coffee table when we put up the tree last weekend. They say the little balls themselves are lightweight and won't irritate facial hair, but I doubt there's any way in follicular hell you could wear a set and not feel them pulling and bouncing around all night. The price of beauty, though, it is steep.
Beardaments come in packs of 12 and include gold, green, red, and silver colors.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Village
You can go all out Clark Griswold and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on your holiday decorating this year without risking falling off the roof or running up a thousand-dollar electrical bill. Just make yourself a Christmas Vacation Village with these miniatures from Department 56*.
The collection includes over a dozen iconic places, props, characters, and scenes from the film. Your tableau of Christmas Vacation miniatures starts with the Griswold house, complete with functional (albeit an inaccurate number of) lights in your choice of solid or flashing modes. To it you can add the Griswold Holiday Garage, a Fire It Up Dad! Rusty figure, Cousin Eddie's RV, and then Cousin Eddie himself. In his classic and festive cleaning-out-the-shitter pose.
And don't forget Todd and Margo out for a jog in their sauna suits.
Oh, it's gonna be the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f**king Kaye.
*Still might cost you a thousand dollars, just not in electricity.
Get an envelope, write live bees on it, then put an electric toothbrush in and turn it on.
Say it’s a bonding experience.
Now, here’s an outstanding video of a drunk Santa tumbling from a roof.
We want to terrify you!