1-2

STREET CARNAGE: I INTERNED AT A SMUT MAGAZINE

A few years ago, I was invited to intern at a well-known men’s magazine. It didn’t work out so great. While I figured I could dumb down my writing and liberally pepper articles with references to “roots,” “V8s” and “tinnies” (it was an Australian magazine), I quickly realized that writing like a drunk and angry Steve Irvin is harder than it seems.

Keep reading after the jump.

Basically, the editorial team hated me. But I did learn a few things — and I still have photos of a celebrity columnist with a dildo in her ass.

ANYONE IS QUALIFIED TO GIVE SEX ADVICE
Every men’s magazine in existence has an advice column featuring some slutty reality TV hooker. The questions are always the same: How do I make my girlfriend have a threesome / do anal / have an anal threesome? I don’t know where the questions come from (I assume they’re randomly generated), but I know that the ladies in the photos don’t write the responses — that’s the interns’ jobs. And that week it was my job.

EVERY ALBUM IS THE BEST ALBUM
If you need a men’s magazine to tell you which albums you should be buying / downloading, then you really don’t deserve functioning ears. Everything I reviewed that week was “best ever” and awarded a minimum 4 / 5 stars (company policy). I didn’t actually listen to any of these records — since they hadn’t been released — but I was assured by the Entertainment Editor that the new Nickleback / Kings of Leon / whatever was in fact the “best ever.”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS A FEMINIST MYTH
The entertainment editor was the “public face” of the magazine and was required to uphold the magazine’s fine editorial standards at all times. This involved going to foam parties for graduating high school girls, interviewing applicants for the Miss Topless contest in private rooms and saving pictures of models with dildos in their asses on his private server.

PORN STARS OFTEN EMPLOY GHOST WRITERS
Towards the end of the week, I was asked to go through back issues of the UK edition and pick out relevant material for a year end special. While looking at the titties, I came across a sex guide written by a very prominent porn star. Strangely, the very same feature had run in the local edition and been credited to couple of lingerie models.

JOURNALISTIC ETHICS ARE FOR FAGGOTS
At one point, I was asked to interview the world’s stupidest stunt group, a bunch of Welsh dudes trying to out-do Johnny Knoxville and the Jackass crew. That went okay. I got some good material from the guy I spoke to and wrote the article up. While it made it into the magazine, all the questions had been changed to make the quotes seem even more retarded.

…Let’s see, what else, there was the resigned sighs from the female staff, the constant bickering between the local staff and those imported from the UK to head things up, the tales of romantic conquest (and subsequent photos) passed around via email, the obsession with the same cover model EVERY GODDAMN week.

While I was discovering the inner workings of a weekly smut mag, the Entertainment Editor I was reporting to was busy yelling at real staff, knocking back bottomless Red Bulls (free), playing Call of Duty in the conference room and interviewing candidates for the magazines “Breasts Implants” competition late into the night.

Also, he was busy avoiding me and moving me as far away from the editorial department as possible. I started the week at the main desk with the other writers and sub editors — by Friday I had been shifted to the opposite end of the room. It was a physical manifestation of my failure and about as subtle as the features on “Top 10 Celeb Knockers” in the actual magazine.

Starting the week, I suspected that the editorial staff all had a heightened sense of irony and that features on TV’s Best Lesbians were elaborate in-jokes. They weren’t.

-MIKOLAI
TeamEvil.com.au

 

Originally posted: Street Carnage  


comments powered by Disqus