The tabloids are ablaze with stories of children committing unspeakable crimes, and for me, that’s entertainment, my friends. Prepube perps and tiny tyrannical terroristic tots are takin’ it to the streets. The kids are out there rapin’ and murderin’ and robbin’ and dope-dealin’ and burnin’ buildin’s to a crisp, and I’m lovin’ every frickin’ goddamned cocksucking motherfucking minute of it.

See how third grade students planned to kill their teacher after the jump!

(Weapons kids planned to use in a plot to kill their third-grade teacher)
The young’uns are on a rampage, and I think that’s absolutely delightful. Spastic, Ritalin-fueled sugar fiends and crack babies born without brains and burned by momma with a Bic lighter on their thighs every day throughout infancy are showing that kids can commit serious crimes, too, and I think that sends a positive message.

As a public service, I’m going to share some details of the more lurid and sensational cases of preteen criminality ever recorded. And after that, I’ll briefly analyze what it might all possibly mean. In order to, eh, “protect” these little murderers, rapists, and arsonists, their names are routinely withheld, and you rarely find out whether or not the anonymous nippers ever received official punishment. Although that’s all very disappointing, let’s have a look, anyway…

• In the early 1870s, Jesse “The Boston Boy Fiend” Pomeroy sexually tortured seven boys, then savagely murdered a ten-year-old girl before violently slashing a four-year-old boy to death. Pomeroy had been ten and eleven at the time of his crimes.

• In 1968, on the day before her 11th birthday, a spicy British lass named Mary Bell strangled a young boy to death. Two months later, she and another girl choked a three-year-old boy into extinction. She also carved an “M” into his stomach and used scissors to snip off part of his genitalia. Mary Bell is now a free woman who lives under a different name.

• In February of 1993, Jon Venables and Robert Thompson, both ten, abducted two-year-old James Bulger from a Liverpool, England, shopping mall—the kidnapping was recorded on surveillance cameras—then led him to some local train tracks, where they covered him in blue paint, forced batteries into his mouth, and eventually bludgeoned him to death. Venables and Thompson are both eligible for parole this year.

• In 1997 at age 11, Nathaniel Abraham from Pontiac, MI, fired a rifle he’d stolen at someone standing two hundred feet away in front of a convenience store, killing him.

• In August, 2000, two girls aged five and six smothered a three-year-old boy to death in his California home. No motive was noted.

• In 1998 in Namibia (a lot of black people live there), an 11-year-old boy axe-murdered his six-year-old cousin. Three years later, and apparently free the whole time, the productive young criminal was back in court facing rape charges. A Namibian official commented that as part of his job, he’d encountered rapists as young as seven.

• In 1999 down in insect-ridden Florida while demonstrating some “wrestling moves,” 12-year-old Lionel Tate crushed a six-year-old girl to death, lacerating her liver and fracturing her skull. After being released from custody a mere four years after his sentencing, Tate promptly pulled an armed robbery at a pizza joint.

• In 1985 while playing with an eleven-year-old friend, a nine-year-old Brooklyn girl stabbed her to death while arguing about a rubber ball.

• In 2003 in Woodbridge, NJ, a ten-year-old boy reportedly convinced a three-year-old boy to follow him out of a library, whereupon he raped and beat him, then dumped him in a drainage ditch. The three-year-old died the next day.

• Late last year in Orlando, FL, a thirteen-year-old boy named Demetrius Key reportedly beat his eight-year-old brother Levares to death with a hunk of metal because Levares had eaten a piece of dessert he wasn’t supposed to eat, and Demetrius didn’t want to get blamed for it. (I know I said these were examples of “preteen” criminality, but for fuck’s sake, he killed him over dessert!)

As potential street thugs, children face several impediments, chief among them their size and naiveté. But although hampered by such shortcomings, child criminals are greatly aided by the fact that they’ll never do serious jail time for their crimes, even if it’s murder. The tremendous advantage of being a preteen criminal is that, relatively speaking, you’re never going to be seriously punished, because the adult world is under the delusion you didn’t know what you were doing in the first place.

But should someone’s criminal responsibility disappear merely because they’re little and cute?

Does anyone really think that growing pubic hair and sprouting a full-blown sex drive ever gave anyone better ethical judgment? It’s the other way around, fools. Adulthood makes people do even dumber things. But kids who kill and rape and burn down buildings truly have no excuse.

The way the deck is currently stacked, the only sort of criminals expected to take full responsibility for their actions are adult white males. The only white males who get a free pass are the ones whose nuts haven’t yet fallen from the tree.

If a woman commits a crime, there’s always a man to blame.

If a chocolate-colored person commits a crime, white people in general are always to blame.

If a child commits a crime, everyone and everything on earth gets blamed but the fucking kids themselves. Their parents and “society” are always fingered. And “society” means screen violence. Grand Theft Auto. Satanism. Popular music. Permissiveness. Human secularism. All the kids who made fun of them before they snapped. But none of these things are to blame. Child criminality isn’t even Street Carnage’s fault.

I think that in a free and equal society that encourages diversity, children have every right to be criminals, too. I say blame the kids themselves, because these snotty little fuckers know precisely what they’re doing. I think they rape, kill, and commit arson because, at the time, it seemed like a fun idea.

I don’t believe there’s some magical “age of reason” at which a kid suddenly realizes it’s wrong to splatter open some other kid’s dome with a sawed-off shotgun. If you point a gun at somebody with the intent to kill them, it shouldn’t matter what your age is. Intent means everything here. I’m not talking about two-year-olds in diapers who accidentally blast somebody because they were playing with a gun that daddy left on the coffee table—I’m talking about anyone who picks up a gun and points it at somebody with the intent of snuffing them.

As every authority figure I encountered throughout my childhood made a point of telling me, some kids are just born bad.

As with all crime, as long as I’m not the victim, I don’t really care about anything other than how entertaining it was. And with child criminals, it’s almost impossible not to be entertained. Even though it’s obvious that kids are willfully capable of such grotesqueries, it continues to come as a surprise.

I don’t want to publicly encourage children to commit serious felonies, and hey, kids, you really shouldn’t be on this site, anyway, but every time I hear of another pint-sized preteen monster bustin’ caps or hymens, I’m gonna laugh.

So let the children kill. Let the children rape. Let the children burn the whole fucking city to the ground. So long as it’s funny, consequences don’t matter to me.

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