We asked Satanists to describe their perfect Christmas

Everyone loves Christmas, right? Red noses, sherry, mince pies, the Coca-Cola truck, leaving a carrot out for Rudolph, kids playing with wrapping paper, drunken work lunches where men tie their ties around their heads to cut loose, all of it, everything, Christmas. Hooray!

But no! (DEATH METAL MUSIC STARTS PLAYING) You know who doesn’t (necessarily) like Christmas? Satanists. Satan and Santa might share the same letters, but they don’t share the same values, surely? A partridge in a pear tree, or a goat burned to appease a dark lord?

We tracked down some Satanists to find out what they’ll be getting up to when you’re wearing a paper crown and listening to your racist uncle really mess up the joke from his cracker. Is it all lamb’s blood, speaking in tongues and sacrificing virgins, or is it more about wrapping up warm and having a nice dinner?